A new approach to "discipline".

I have recently read Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn. It is one of the best books I have ever read and completely opened my eyes to discipline problems that I didn't even think were problems. I am looking at my parenting history (all 7 years of it) with completely new eyes now and seeing that every time something didn't work my solution was usually to just try harder. That really makes little sense.

Unconditional Parenting explains in great detail why the "standard" approach to discipline doesn't work the best. Why there are better ways to raise our children and speak to them. And why rewards and punishments are actually counterproductive especially when it comes to creating people with self esteem.

When we give our children rewards and punishments we never allow them to feel proud of themselves or disappointed in themselves, because we do it for them. They require us to tell them whether they've done well or badly. This creates an individual who's self esteem and self worth are reliant upon the values and judgments of those around them rather than their own values and judgments. This effects some kids more than others.

When we instead let our children decide for themselves whether or not they've done something to be proud of or disappointed in they learn to have self esteem that's reliant upon their own values rather than outside judgments. It should be our job to help our children define their own values, rather than tell them whether their actions or opinions are "good" or "bad".

When a child is driving a toy car across the floor and rams it into someone's foot and is told "that wasn't nice" or something similar (yes I'm guilty of this too) all they learn is that specifically ramming that toy car into that person's foot wasn't nice. If you instead discuss with said child how the person who got their foot rammed felt, and if the child thinks they enjoyed it a whole new realm of learning and understanding is opened. A realm that allows the child to take the knowledge learned from the experience into completely different circumstances "if it hurts to ram a car into a foot, and it hurts to push someone, maybe I shouldn't do either". This usually requires more initial effort than simply saying "don't do that" or "that wasn't nice" but over time it ends up creating children who can make those judgments for themselves.

At the moment it's a work in progress but I repeatedly see how it is a better long term solution than the easier "that's good" "that's bad" judgments.